I am starting to get back…to what? Not to the way things were, but to a new normal. After the wake and service, everyone else’s life went back to normal. Ours still has a huge gaping wound in it. Nothing works or functions the way it used to. All of us have issues, and daily reminders. There is nothing like starting the day by trying to cajole the dog to do her business. Sometimes she will do so if bribed, but otherwise is still waiting for Dad to walk her.
For the last few weeks I have not wanted to really do anything, see anyone. The impulse to isolate myself is slowly fading. A couple of weekends ago I went to a good friends wedding. I was able to see friends I haven’t seen in five years. I had a great time, and opened up a little more. Friday I met up with a childhood friend I haven’t seen in about 20 years, and we were able to really connect and had fun. I have been off the grid for a while, but am slowly making my way back into life. One day at a time we are building a new foundation for the way our lives are now.
Thursday night my father died. We were so stunned and exhausted that we came home, had a drink and went to bed. It took us a long time to go to sleep. I know this because I slept with my mom that night. Neither one of us wanted to sleep by ourselves.
Friday we woke up, and the sun was still shining, and my father was still dead. I made pea soup, called my husband, researched how to submit obituaries and managed not to die of sadness.
Saturday I woke up, and the sun was still shining, and my father was still dead. It helped to know that my husband was coming in Saturday night. My brother’s girlfriend is amazing. She was (and is) so helpful. She was at the hospital all afternoon on Thursday, brought sandwiches, and helped advocate for my father. She drove down to Boston and picked up my husband from the Boston airport at 11:30 PM and then drove 2 hours north to our home.
I have felt so supported by my family and friends, people sending food and calling. Many of my friends emailed me such wonderful things. One friend tried to move heaven and earth to get food and flowers delivered to my remote home. Another went through my closet finding clothes I asked to be sent to the States with Bülent. The last few days have been extremely difficult, but with the help of friends and family it has been, maybe not less painful, but a more supported journey.
I am heading back to the States, a little sooner than anticipated, and am taking care of business. As you do when you live in Turkey, and return to the U.S. for extended periods of time…you take care of the expensive shit. Which is why I have gone to the gynecologist and the dentist in the same week—Because you know that is fun! Also my dog ate my night mouth guard yesterday. Awesome!
It is also why I am going to stock up on birth control and allergy medication before I leave. Not only do I have comprehensive health insurance in Turkey, both private and State, but also many things are available over the counter that are not in the US. For my time in the U.S. I am also paying out of pocket for six months of private health insurance, all health insurance related expenses will be reimbursed up to the (fairly generous) limit once I return to Turkey—for $300! Ridiculous! So tomorrow I will get my eyebrows done, but since it is winter—I will skip the bikini wax—I think between the gynecologist and the dentist I have had enough fun.